Archives For Humor

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

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Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: ‘http: I Thought You Loved Me.html’ and try to download Tears.

Don’t forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewelery and Flowers, but remember – overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).. Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

This has to be one of the funniest stories I remember hearing, and I need to apologize upfront to PETA and to many wildlife lovers. I was raised in Africa and I love the wild, but please see the humor in this one without having your sensibilities violated!

The story revolved around a man going to court facing a felony conviction for being caught, red handed, eating a bald eagle. It appeared to be an open and shut case. The man was caught by park authorities, bird in mouth. The accused requested no lawyer, as the law was clear and the penalties were laid out by the state of California. The sentence mandated by the legislature was six months in a federal prison and a minimum $10,000 fine. The prosecution described the case and the judge was about to rule, when the accused raised his hand, requesting an opportunity to give a defense.

The judge allowed the accused to approach the bench. “Sir,” the man began, “please allow me to share my side of the story. You see I went hiking alone in the wilderness and got hopelessly lost. I ate all my supplies and drank all the water I had taken with me. After three days I was almost delirious with dehydration and came over a high mountain. There, far down below I saw a river and made my way carefully down the mountain to it. I was so relieved to find water, and I drank and drank to satiate my thirst. At this point I was starving and suddenly noticed some beautiful fish swimming in the river. I wished I had the tackle and bait to catch one of them, but I had none. Suddenly, right in front of me, a gorgeous bald eagle swooped down, picked up one of those fish, and flew up into the tree above my head. Then I began to think, if only I could get that eagle to drop the fish, I could at least eat the fish and satisfy my aching hunger. I picked up a nearby log and threw it at the eagle, never intending to hit it but just hoping to scare it into dropping the fish. Unfortunately, the log struck the eagle and killed it. Now I had a dead eagle, I was starving and I thought. ‘There is no use wasting it.’ I prepared it and had just started eating when a search party sent out to look for me arrived on the scene and arrested me.”

The judge was clearly moved. He struck his gavel and dismissed the case. As the accused was leaving the courtroom, the judge called him up to the bench one more time. This time in a whisper he said, “Sir, I was really moved by your story, but I have one personal question. Out of pure curiosity, please tell me, what does a bald eagle taste like?”

The man paused with a quizzical look on his face, “Well your honor, it’s more tender than a California condor, but not quite as tender as a spotted owl.”

This story tells how you should always look on the positive side of things no matter how bad your situation gets.

Phil and Ernie were friends who lived during the time of the Wild West in America. Wild animals still roamed the countryside and traveling without a gun was often dangerous. Phil and Ernie did not have a lot of money. They went from town to town looking for employment. One day they came across a poster, which was put there by the state government. The poster told how farmers were losing hundreds of sheep to packs of wolves that lived in the mountains. The poster then announced a reward of $1,000 for every wolf that anyone killed. Now in those days $1,000 was a large amount of money. Phil and Ernie scraped together enough money to buy a gun and they headed for the mountains to hunt wolves. For five days they searched for wolves and found none. One night they went to sleep in their small tent only to be awakened in the night by some terrible growling. Phil woke up and discovered a pack of 12 wolves surrounding them. They were hungry and Phil could see their eyes glowing as they came closer and closer. He reached over and shook Ernie. “Wake up Ernie,” he said, “you won’t believe it – we are rich.”

On a more serious note, if you or someone you love have lost a loved one, please check out this amazing story of former miss America, Cheryl Salem on the loss of her 5-yr old to a brain tumor. One of the most uplifting stories I have ever seen. http://berinblog.com/resources/

A young boy had just received his driver’s license. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we’ll talk about it.

After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father’s study where the father said – “Son, I’ve been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut.” The young man waited a moment and then replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair. The rabbi said, “Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked.”

A Wife’s Influence

April 7, 2011 — 5 Comments

A Mayor and his wife were driving in their Mercedes 600 and were going to a special dinner. They needed fuel for their car so they pulled up to a gas station. An attendant came up to them and started pumping their gas. Suddenly the Mayor recognized the attendant and said to his wife. “Oh, I know that man, he used to go to high school with me. Look at him now, he is just a lowly gas station attendant.” Then he smiled and said to his wife “honey, aren’t you glad that you married me and not that man?” “Well,” said his wife, “it wouldn’t have mattered – if I had married him, then he would have been the Mayor and probably you would have ended up being the gas attendant.”